In the Name of Love

In the Name of Love

01-09 October 1987

17 years old

Do you love?

How many times did he answer that question? Fifty? One hundred?

Do you love?

“Yes, Jenna, I love you.” God, this was getting old. “Janna, I’m going home now, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow after practice. If I have time, maybe I’ll stop by.” He kissed her forehead and turned to leave.

“Tom?”

“Yes, Janna,” Tom answered sharply. “What is it?”

“I love, too.” She smiled through tear brimming in her eyes.

“I’m glad. That makes me feel real good. See you tomorrow, okay?”

Tom walked out into the hall with a sigh. It wasn’t a sigh of pity or remorse. Or even of love. It was a sigh of relief. He hated hospitals and the sick people inside them. You never knew what you could catch inside a hospital.

He really didn’t want to stop by the next day, and decided to make sure that he wouldn’t have the time.

Tom? I love, too.

That makes me feel real good. See you tomorrow.

Tom hit the steering wheel. “I don’t want to see her!” He moaned and started the car, feeling frustrated and discouraged. “Be patient,” he reassured himself. “These things take time.”

****

“GET YOUR ASSES IN GEAR!!! You! Johnson! What in the hell’s your problem? You’re playing like shit this year! I wanna see you girls win tomorrow’s game or you’ll be sorry come Monday morning!”

“Aww, up yours, Coach,” Tom muttered under his breath.

“Come on, Johnson,” Dave replied beside him. “Don’t get your undies in a bunch.”

“Up yours, too, Winthrop!”

“What the hell’s your problem, today?”

“Nothing’s my problem,” Tom barked back. “What’s yours?”

“Hey, wait a minute. You went to see that Janna girl again last night, didn’t you?”

“‘That Janna girl’ just happens to be my girlfriend, you son of a bitch. So stop calling her that.”

“Listen, you’re not fooling anyone. You’re the one who wants to break up with her, not me! I wouldn’t go out with her if you paid me. I told before. That girl’s a loony. Don’t waste your time on her. But did you listen to me? No! You never listen to me. I know these things. You gotta listen to me sometimes. I know what I’m talkin’ about. So don’t take your grief out on me!”

They stopped running and stood in the middle of the track glaring at each other.

Tom sighed and rubbed his face with his palm. “Hey man, you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just that last night I promised her I’d stop by after practice today and I can’t think of anything I have used before to get out of it.”

“That’s rough. Wish I could help you this time, but you used up all my good ones. I’ll let you know if I come up any others.”

“Winthrop! Johnson! What’re you two standing around for? Asking each other to the homecoming dance? GET MOVING!!! If we lose tomorrow’s game, I’m laying it on you two. I wanna see you sweating blood! MOVE IT!”

“Aww, up yours, Coach,” they muttered in unison and resumed their laps.

****

Tom pulled into the hospital parking lot. Taking a deep breath, he stepped out of his car, shut the door, and walked toward the building. He opened the door and walked in, the antiseptic smell of ammonia filling his nostrils, wondering what strange exotic disease he might be inhaling.

As he made his way to the main desk, skirting around the wheelies and myriad other invalids, Tom glimpsed an old man shuffling along with his bare bottom peeking through the crack of his jonnies. Determined to get in and out as soon as possible, Tom left his name with the nurse and stepped into the elevator. Two minutes later, he reached the eighth floor and trudged to Janna’s room. Bracing himself, Tom opened the door and put on a fake smile. “Same shit, different day,” he mumbled to himself.

“Tom! I thought you’d never come. We only have a few minutes to talk. But that’s better than nothing, right Tom”

“Uh, yeah. Right, Janna.” He sat down on the edge of her bed. “Practice ran a little late today, and I was lucky enough to make the last throes of rush hour, and you know how bad that can be. I’ll try to be a little earlier next time, okay?” He paused and Janna picked up on it immediately.

“What is it, Tom? What’s wrong?”

“Umm, the uh, Homecoming game’s tomorrow, so I won’t be able to see you until Sunday.”

“Oh.”

There was a long, uncomfortable silence until Janna broke it, tentatively calling out his name. “Tom…?”

“What… Janna?” he said shortly.

“Could you, maybe, hold me?” I need some love right now.”

As Tome held her in his arms, Janna burst into tears. “Ssh, it’s okay, Janna. Everything’s okay. Don’t cry. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Oh, Tom,” she spluttered. “Everyone’s so cold here. Nobody likes. Nobody wants to be around. All afraid I might do it again. Tom, so lonely. Love so much.”

An expression of guilt flashed across Tom’s face and he was glad that Janna couldn’t see it. But when she said that infuriating word, “Love,” that feeling of guilt was readily chased away.

Tom couldn’t understand why Janna wouldn’t say, “I love you,” and insisted on proclaiming her love for him by leaving out the pronoun. In fact, she left the subject and pronoun out of almost everything when she became emotional. He tried asking her on several occasions why she wouldn’t say “I love you,” and Janna readily changed the subject. After awhile, Tom simply didn’t care anymore and patiently tolerated her persistent questioning, “Do you love?”

The nurse came a few minutes later to usher Tom out of the room. She saw that her ward was in distress and promptly gave Janna a sedative. Soon, Janna was unconscious and the nurse asked Tom, “Whatever do you see in her?”

To which Tom replied, “I don’t know.”

The nurse then asked him to leave so that Janna could get some rest.

Tom rose to go and stood over Janna. He looked at her, thinking how peaceful and beautiful she seemed while she slept, so far away from reality. “They should’ve let her die. She’d be so much happier if she’d killed herself and gotten away from this lousy, stinking world. I’d be happier, too. I wouldn’t have to worry about this one, anymore.”

Then Tom’s gaze rested on her IV. He eyed the clamp that controlled the rate the fluid travelled down the tube and envisioned a hand closing it for a minute, then opening it up again. He pictured the air bubble travelling through the tube, into her arm, and then…

“Mr. Johnson? Visiting hours are over.”

Startled, Tom faintly thanked the nurse and left the room.

****

“Tom? Tom, is that you?”

“Yes, Mom. It’s me.” Tom walked into the living room, shutting the front door behind him.

“What happened? Did practice run a little late? It’s seven forty-five and you missed dinner. I made your favourite… For good luck in tomorrow’s game.”

“Thanks, Mom. Yeah, practice ran a little late and then I had to visit Janna.”

“That was thoughtful of you. Did you tell her yet that you’re going to the dance that other girl?”

“Her name is Lora. No, I didn’t say anything about the dance. I just said that I wouldn’t be able to see her until Sunday because of the game. I was going to tell her, but she had another crying jag.”

“Poor girl. Well, what’s left of dinner is in the oven waiting for you.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Tom went into the kitchen and peered into the oven. What was left of dinner was a heaping mound of spaghetti and nearly a whole loaf of French bread, sliced and dripping with garlic butter. Tom suddenly realized that he was famished and took the meal up to his room to call Lora.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Lora. It’s me.”

“Oh, hi Tom… I was just thinking about you.”

“Oh, were you? Well, whatever you were thinking, I hope we can try it out, sometime.”

“Tom…!”

“Lora…!” he mimicked. “Are you all set for tomorrow night?

“You bet I am. I even bought a negligee especially for the occasion. We are still going to the Hilton, aren’t we?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. I can’t wait to get you alone.”

“Ditto for me, hot stuff.”

“Listen,” Tom said, suddenly serious. “We’re going to have to leave the hotel a bit early Sunday morning, is that okay with you?”

“Why? I was looking forward to waking up in your arms, taking a shower together, maybe making love again…”

“Lora, I’m sorry. I was, too, but I’ll make it up to you, okay? Listen, we’ll make a cameo appearance at the dance and leave for the hotel a lot early. But the reason we have to leave early is because I have to see Janna. It’s important.”

“Janna! Why? I thought you broke up with her already! How long do I have to put up with this? We’ve been going out for six months and this whole time you’ve been telling me that you were going to break up with her. Then she finds out about us and tries to kill herself, and she’s been in that hospital for the past two months, demanding that you see her every spare minute you have. You know that you hate going there to see her, so why don’t you just not go and that’ll be the end of it? I’m really getting sick of this, Tom, and I’m not going to put up with it anymore. From here on out, it’s either me or her!”

“Lora, listen. I love you. You know that, and don’t you ever forget it. Sunday is the last time I’m going to see Janna and I’m going to end everything quickly and painlessly so she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. Trust me, okay?”

Lora sighed. “Okay. All right, Tom. You promise me that this is the last time. After Sunday, you’re never going to see her again. If you do, then you and I are through, and you can see that wacky little suicide any damn time you please.”

“I promise, Lora.”

“What are you going to tell her?”

“Just… Trust me.”

****

The varsity homecoming game for Springdale Township High School was a victory and everyone at the dance came in—and with—good spirits. Tom and Lora arrived at the dance at seven-thirty, left at seven-forty-five, and checked in at the Hilton at eight. After being shown to their room, Tom tipped the bellboy and shut the door. Then he turned to Lora and said, “Well, let’s see that negligee, already.”

Lora giggled, slipping out of her dress to display a black lace nightgown stretched tightly across her slightly plump, voluptuous body. Tom groaned and pulled her close, running his large hands over the contours of her body. He kissed her deeply and carried her to the bed. “You’re so beautiful, Lora. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Tom. Take me. Make love to me.”

And he did.

****

The next morning, Tom took Lora home and drove to the hospital. He was going to spend the entire day with Janna if it killed him, or until… But he pushed that thought out of his mind. He would deal with that when the time came.

When he got to her room, Janna was in tears to see him, as usual, and he pulled a chair up to the side of the bed. H informed her that he was staying for the day. Janna became ecstatic and cried all the harder. Tom took advantage of the opportunity to pretend to notice the IV stand for the first time, feigning embarrassment.

“Does it hurt?” he asked, fingering the leader tube.

Janna was started by the concern he was suddenly showing for her. He’d never asked about her before. “Only when they put it in, or take it out,” she answered. “Otherwise, I can’t feel a thing. But, the take it out a lot. I think they do it just to hurt me. They know it hurts ‘cause I cry every time they stick it in my arm. I try not to, but I do anyway.”

Oh God, she’s getting worse, Tom thought.

“You know,” Tom started. “I’ve always thought that those things would be kind of dangerous.” He pointed to the clamp. “You see this? Well, this regulates the flow of the solution that goes into your arm. Usually, they open it a little bit, but sometimes, and more accidentally than not, it can close up and the flow is stopped and that creates an air bubble. If the clamp opens again and you don’t take the needle out of your arm, the bubble will travel down the tube and into your bloodstream, and then enter your heart. That will kill you for sure, and it doesn’t take very long, either, so it’s easy for a nurse to miss it. I hear it’s virtually painless, too.”

Tom was quiet for a few minutes to allow this information to sink into her head. Then Janna asked about the football game. Tom picked up on his cue and told her about the game and the evening’s activities. He made sure to leave nothing out, and explained the night he’d spent with Lora in explicit detail. When he finished, Tom left to make use of the facilities.

“I’ll be a little while,” he said.

As he reached the door, Janna called out to him. “I love… I love y-y-you, Tom.”

Tom paused, almost undetectably, and walked out the door as if he hadn’t heard what could have been the beginning of Janna’s recovery.

When he returned ten minutes later, Janna wasn’t crying anymore. She was lying on her back, her sheets askew. It looked as if she might have been struggling with someone... Or something. In her hand was a crumpled piece of paper. Tom reached over, picked it up. “Do you love?” it read. “Do you love? Do you love? Do you love?” He stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans, the same ones that would be thrown in the wash that night, the note forgotten.

He started to laugh, and after a few minutes, he was laughing so hard, tears ran from his eyes. Tom managed to compose himself as he called for the nurse, feigning concern. Within minutes, Janna was pronounced dead and someone left to inform her parents. Tom could control his mirth no long. He left the room and ran to the elevator, his loud bursts of laughter echoing around him. Faintly, he heard someone say, “Poor boy. He must be in shock.” That made him laugh all the harder.

Walking to his car, there was a bounce in his step that hadn’t been there for months. He had begun to lose hope, but toward the end, knocking off Janna had really been quite easy. Lora, on the other hand, was proving to be a bit more difficult. She was a vain, ditsy cheerleader type, something the world really didn’t need any more of. Just like Janna was a crazy, disillusioned suicide. Yes, Lora would definitely be a challenge, but Tom loved challenges.